I was kept sane through the night

By the 6 simple words

“All is well — Here and now”

Covered with blankets, my dog by my side. Surrounded by windows covered with frost stars. No heat. As the Temperature declined, I felt the inclination to be that little child. Lost, forgotten.

Everyone I knew, was busy with their Christmas preparations with their families. All the ways to why I was in this situation. Good and bad. Mattered little in my current situation. I was cold and knew; the only way to keep my body at a decently warm through the next hours was to cover myself up with blankets and keep my heart open to the gratitude of life.

“All is well, here and now”

I slipped into dreaming, feeling light and protected. Happy. So this is what it feels like…! Sleeping outdoor in a cold county. Now that I know I may emphasize on a deeper level. With the many that do freeze every single night, in our society. A small percentage of the total population, but still many. One night for me, multiple for others.

Not all thoughts were like that. Every now and then, when a limb felt noun, the blankets out of place, the cold crept into me. Though thoughts came creeping in. Trying to seduce me into self-pity.No one really missed me. No one expected me for this year’s Christmas celebration. No Christmas card this year. Not one present with my name on it.

Where did they all go? That large group of people I had given so much of my love to? Those I once called friends and family?

It was my choice to spend Christmas alone. I was on my way to a cabin I had borrowed, a few hounded meters from my children’s home. The family home I had built with their father, close to his two sisters, parents, aunts, and cousins.

We had finally agreed upon an outside barbecue event. The day after Christmas. The first time I would see my children for one whole year. I was determined to make it as heartfelt as I could.

The last stop before the cabin was a shopping mall. Run in to buy those last items before Christmas. Just before closing time. Back in my rented car, the unexpected showed up. It didn’t start! No ignition whatsoever. The horror. What do I do now? I rushed out and stopped happy shoppers. A sweet couple helped me with starting cables. Nothing! A group of youth helped me push the car. Nothing! They all left and I was left plundering in my car. What now? Who can I call?

Battery dead! Charging in my car gave zero results. Charging with my Mac. Zero results. What are my options? Shop still open, rush in, spend some of my last money on a desperate hunt to buy battery banks from different producers. Hoping that one of them at least would have a little preload of energy within them.

The last one to leave the mall. Me. Empty everywhere as far as the eye could see. Even the usual 24/7 highway street crossing Sweden. Empty. The night before Christmas. The silence could be sniffed in the air.

Back in my car. Anxiety rising. No light’s -defining charging- on my phone. After 11 pm the evening before Christmas. No taxi lights anywhere. I could hitchhike to town... if someone by a miracle showed up with the heart to care for a stranger, this family time over all family times…

I thought of finding myself a hotel room. Are they open? What covik-rules did Sweden have Covid Christmas 2020, anyway? How long will it take me to find one? Do I have the energy? To bring me and my dog, and the necessary luggage?

I let that thought go. Self-confident I thought, better make myself comfortable in the car and gave thanks to the instincts that had me packing my alpaca blankets and wool outfits. Stuffed it all around myself and my dog. A few hours like this. Peace of cake. A though girl like me, used to camping :-) A few hours from now, the shopping mall reopens and I’ll figure out this whole transportation issue. Get myself up to that cabin and prepare that family meal. The reunion with my children kept my heart burning in flames. “All is well, here and now”. Breath. Repeat.

That night the temperature dropped lower and lower. The thought “All is well, here and now” visited faithfully, throughout the night. Whenever I had the need for it. Breath deeply. As my mind kept it’s ease, my heart showered energy through my body. Or at least, so it felt like. My personal experience of warmth spreading through my body, in unlikely circumstances.

My battle that night was not to keep my body warm but to keep hurtful memories of the past at bay and simultaneously chase fears of tomorrow, to the hill.

“All is well here and now”

The cold was visible to the naked eye. All windows of the car where covered with frostbites. Star-like reflections of the sky above me. Felt in my nostrils. My dog moves over to my seat. Spooning makes us both warmer. Grateful for the company my dog gives me. I felt happy. Thankful. Two days short of seeing my children. That joy. Nothing was going to dim the light of that event. That first eye contact. Destined to be filled with overflowing love. Nothing shall prevent me to have that experience.

Headstrong I reflected upon. What is the gift in this experience? The rise in empathy from self-experience. It’s one thing to know by putting yourself in someone else shoes — it is another to have personal experience. Wear them with grace. Love them to the moon and back. All part of living. All part of being me.

“All is well. Here and now”

How that calmed me, in those hours spent that night in that car. It was, and is. Astonishing to me. Begged of me to change my perspective, on so many «truths» I had accepted as permanent, in my mind. “All is well, here and now” My circumstances begged to differ, seen through other eyes, other perspectives. Some were direct: «You are supposed to feel crushed, alone, helpless, fall into victim hood ”

«That’s the one thing I cannot do». I responded. It goes against my principle in life. What gets’s me through the many chapters in the book I call my life. A happy perspective just gives me more drive. Thinking “There is something good even in these incidents even though I might not have come to such an conclusion yet”.

Having the guts & motivation to go through those roadblocks and downhill’s put in my way, to achieve those dreams I carried inside me since I was a child. Fairytale living, filled with joyful adventures and effortless working together: To live and let live, in love. To let go fearlessly of what’s meant to rest.

In every event in life, especially those that hurt. I pray for myself to ask myself. What is the gift in this? Pursue a «Flip the coin» mindset… What's good about this? What was gained? To have that as the center focus, and let the rest be pure metrics, pure common sense to change.

“All is well, here and now”